Health & Parenting, Home & Happiness

March 18, 2023

The Purpose: A Rare, Unfiltered Post

This is a quick post, but then again, aren’t all my posts “quick”? That’s what I say to suck people in I guess and then soon enough you’ll realize it’s just another novel about feeling stuck, appreciating life or some other mumbo jumbo, hodge-podgy bull crap I can fit in.

I’m getting ready to try to sleep but I felt the need to write and when I finally laid down and thought, “okay, it’s my moment - let’s do this!” I realized I didn’t know what I wanted or planned to write about, and then that spiraled into the realization that maybe not everything has to have a purpose. Maybe I could just exist and that would be enough. As someone that hyper-focuses on little details and re-reading each paragraph every time there’s an askew word or something that doesn’t make sense, I have to fix it. I must fix it. 

Ten thousand years later I’ve written a blog post that I’ve nearly given up on by the time it is finally done but feel happy enough about writing because it feels genuine and sincere albeit not as perfect as I want. I was thinking today about how I’ve been told I’m a good writer, but how everyone I know that writes is so much better at it than me and how disappointing that is. The word good has positive intonations but I can’t help but feel almost shamed by it. It is nice to be considered good but I long to be great.

I also realized how wild and messy motherhood and life in general is and how polished and perfect people come across on social media that is saturated with videos and articles riddled in cheesy stories, controversy, and ads galore. I do like a good cheesy story from time to time but I guess I just miss interacting with humans socially despite being the quietest person around in social settings. I’m usually trying to refill my battery as soon as it even hits 99%, already dreading the lack of energy.

Lately I’ve been trying to change the way I think and feel. I started by getting a paper journal and coming up with three goals each day, along with noting any absolute priorities. I’ve been looking to find people that are more motivated and driven, optimistic and charming. It seems to help push me to achieve my goals and I really enjoy that. It’s a fun process! Much like my mom, I still have trouble sitting around in the silence and not doing anything but as much as my body craves productivity, it craves silence and peace. Two things that are hard to come by in the age of hurried and steroidal human encounters. I love the convenience and curiosity of technology but miss deep human interactions. Maybe I can have both?

Tonight I wanted to post on social media asking people what a goal is that they accomplished lately, but I didn’t. 1) out of fear that no one would reply and 2) because I remembered Facebook is usually a place people go to turn life off and get distracted, so my post would probably feel out of place in the sea of said cheesy stories, controversy, and ads. My biggest goal lately is to stop caring about judgment and what other people think and allowing that to rule my life, so I guess I’ve settled for that in the form of writing this blog post, that is still public but feels much more safely tucked away in a small corner of the internet instead of being posted on a megatron or a flashy blimp with a large paper scroll saying “look at me, I’m not great but I matter too and so do my thoughts”. 

Here’s the lesson of this blog: Sometimes you don’t always have to have a purpose, sometimes you can just be and sometimes you don’t have to be great, good can be good enough, but know that great isn’t the limit. Once you taste it you can go as far as you want. Limits are rules we set upon ourselves and as kids we learn how to manage and push boundaries. Why is it harder to do that as adults? What if you could define your own worth instead of wondering how you compare to everyone else. What if you can do things you’ve never even dreamed of doing? Maybe the purpose isn’t about doing at all, maybe it is about being. Simply be and do good. 

(P.S. - I didn’t allow myself to read this post until it was already published after realizing how much of a mental toll it was previously taking on me. I wanted the same authenticity without pouring out all of my mental energy, I’ll save it for later. This post is going to have to be good enough, after all, it’s still me). 


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