Health & Parenting, Home & Happiness

January 16, 2023

Regurgitating Winter Emotions

Every winter, little reminders begin to creep in of the losses I’ve faced and felt over the years. Similar emotions resurface but are born again with slight variances of the same hard feelings. Winter is a season of the absence of life and I feel it deeply, despite seeing the beauty and brilliance of nature in the still moments. I’ve mostly learned to shield myself from grief after my first few losses. I’d hop on the treadmill and run myself into the ground to try to figure out how to heal or where to go, searching for some kind of truth or answer to find meaning. I’ve spoken on survivor’s guilt, which still has a large element of realness to it, despite me being overjoyed and grateful for the time I’m given on Earth thanks to Trikafta. 

Most of my friends passed away from Cystic Fibrosis or Transplant Complications before Trikafta existed, and I continue to wish they had this chance I’ve been given. One passed away from suicide. There are still more friends not photographed here, Tahnee, Debbie, and others. I wish I still had their photographs and words.

I was going through old messages to try to clear some phone space but the weight hit me again. I harshly numbed most of the pain from recent losses, a trauma response I developed to help protect my brain. 

All of these years later, I still can’t bring myself to delete any of my messages with Bianca. She had so much love for me and Aiden, and I never truly realized how much I loved her until she was already gone and it was too late. I feel relief when I share little parts of my friends and remember our special memories together but I don’t do it often. I miss our conversations and bonds. Each one unique and different but so very loved and important.

Joy - a complete character
Alyssa - the most beautiful, passionate woman
Angela - loyal and trustworthy 
Jesse - wild and sweet
Monica - hilarious and motherly
Kenna - young and brave
Anna - strong and reliable
Rachel - sweet and sisterly
Shelby - spunky and strong
Darrin - athletic and a mentor
Angelica - crafty and honest
Bianca - pure love and light
Tahnee - silly and funny
Debbie - motherly and faithful
Erin - friendly and welcoming
Philip - goofy and mischievous
Eva - raw and powerful

Here is a poem to share how I’m feeling as I write this blog.


Your absence weighs heavy
My heart is trying to heal
Beating out of rhythm
Missing you still

It hurts once in a while
And then you make me laugh
Little happy memories
Filling in the gaps

The darkness feels consuming
But then I see the light
Remembering bits of you
The ones that shined so bright 

It feels just like a movie
I wish it was not real
I keep hoping when I wake up
That you will still be here

More than just an illness
Or a terminal disease
You were a person that mattered
No matter how many breaths you breathed

You continue to make a difference
Loved forever in my mind
For now your life is just being held captive
Carefully preserved in time


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