Today, I feel like I woke up with a bit of energy that I haven't had before. I am looking into a journaling style called morning pages, so I figured I would begin doing that by answering this prompt. Morning pages are basically stream of consciousness writing where you don't think of what to write or edit it, you just let it flow in a stream of free-thoughts. Whatever comes out is fine, it's a therapeutic style of writing where you don't worry about judgment or analyze your thoughts, you just let them exist. It's a bit like meditation but in writing. It's a way to share observations, ideas, feelings, stories, memories, or tasks you'd like to accomplish or reflect on. COMPARISON: Today I wanted to talk about how difficult it has been for me to feel like I am appropriately juggling everything to get done in a day. It feels terribly difficult for me to return to daily healthy habits for myself, my house, my child, and a big goal for me is our education and experiences with nature. I struggle with the comparison of others like moms that have multiple kids or even work full-time jobs but somehow make time for themselves to go out and get their nails done or get a sweet treat on top of making sure their house and children are clean, delicious food is on the table, and their family is deeply connected and intertwined without the disruption of screens.
LONGING: I long for a life like that and one with time to exercise and take full control of my health, as well as clean eating in the morning without processed foods, bloating, or constipation wearing me down alongside gerd and all the mental side effects from the very thing keeping me alive which we know is my Trikafta.
I want more out of life, but lately the crazy thing is that nearly everything feels repetitive and boring to me. My energy is zapped. I think it is because I feel very disconnected and disjointed socially. I would love to have friends over and host board game nights or parties, watch shows or movies, and bring food together to share in conversation, but I also want all of that without phones interrupting which is perhaps an unrealistic standard, one of many I am aware I have.
STANDARDS: I think my standards for myself are always too high so I am easily let down, and my comparisons aren’t realistic, they are based on idealism. I think too that with Trikafta I am stuck in a new victim mode that didn’t seem to exist before. I barely recognize my personality anymore and that new mindset has seemed to have taken control of my power to think more positive thoughts and take more positive action, but deep down I know that that old me is still within me and I want her back, but she feels trapped. There is some reason perhaps that I am holding back, but I guess I'm not aware of what it is. Perhaps it's tied to self worth and shame in my appearance or believing I don't deserve these good things because of all the bad I’ve been through? Or maybe it is because I am afraid if I indulge in things that make me happy they will be taken away again and it's easier to accept the downfall and pitfalls if you're already near or in a bit of a pit? The thing is that pit is what is stopping me from getting out there and being happy. OR, perhaps I was happier in that pit because it felt familiar, and this all feels… strange.
MONEY & HEALTH: Another part of the new me is easily distracted and absorbed in the aesthetic of material things. I recognize most dreams primarily rely on money, that of which I do not have and that is an insecurity in and of itself when it comes to health. Without money I can't afford medicine, without medicine, I can't live. I stop myself from using money, from allowing myself to enjoy it, maybe because I fear it is a catalyst for the loss of health or life rather than the point of life which is worth living and enjoying, so something distracting and pretty is easier to obtain and can be nice for a while.
Anyway, this first journal is getting long, but I think the bottom line is reaching up to get out of those thoughts and being intentional and forward with what I want is perhaps the key to beginning, but also lowering my standards and expectations and simply allowing myself to exist and enjoy each task or moment in a small way would propel me so much.
CONTRIBUTING: Regarding the overwhelm, I think of the video I watched the other day of a woman saying when you feel overwhelmed by all of your tasks as a woman and a keeper of the house, it may help to think of it as a business. When you operate a business it's cut and dry of what needs to be done, routines and operations, and it flows naturally and perhaps with a different energy and mental alignment or shift. I've already shifted my mental health from feeling like it's all on me to taking on a part of the tasks as a gift to the family I love for providing us with the things we need, like a house, a car, food, or money. This is my contribution, but it feels overwhelming with the excess and mismatched belongings of others. I escape because it's a default and my mind always feels so busy and frazzled to come up with ideas at home, primarily because the house isn't kept as I like it, so I don't feel like I deserve to enjoy my belongings or spend time using them when so much else needs done.
It’s easy to operate in a place you don’t need to care for, but that problem is evident when it comes home with you and piles up even more. Zoning what I do love or finding new ownership for the things I no longer care about is the best antidote. It’s important to have different spaces for different hobbies or interests, like work, to keep them from overflowing, but what good is it if you don’t ever use it? I love organizing and creating when I have the energy to do so, but it’s lower on the list of priorities with all of the mental clutter in the way. Why am I alway putting myself as a last priority anyway? I feel better when I put myself first.
CAREGIVING: This is all tacked on to the way ____ doesn't care for themself and so they struggle immensely with daily activities of living and focusing, but never have enough health and I am worried so much about losing them and it being my fault. I feel responsible for it being so and I am stuck in an unhappy tug of war trying to force them to do well for themselves, or wanting to give up the fight to save our bond, but to let them hit rock bottom and learn. The problem is that I don't feel like I can do either, and if they struggle with complications, no one will see that day in and out fight to merely help them exist, they will only see the failure. It is as much my own job, but it is very difficult as we both struggle with focus and distractions and I must care for myself too in order to care for them. I am wondering when they will begin to care for themself, if ever. I am wondering if there's a magical way to make it click without all of the repetitive nagging, shouting, pleading and wishful thinking. I have made it my life’s mission to bring them a better life, but in doing so, have abandoned my own. Unfortunately, as we are always in limbo, I don’t feel like I have done much of a good job at either, but I also recognize how daunting the tremendously tricky balance; it’s the perfectionism and unmet expectations vs reality talking here. All things considering, we are doing quite well and maybe I care too much. It is easier to see and acknowledge the loss that I’m accustomed to, rather than to celebrate the small gains.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE: I am depleted in many ways but still on the cusp of a beautiful existence. I feel like my life is very torn as each decision is made on a tight rope and even the most futile decisions come at the weight of an elephant riding alongside me and I’m suspended in an eternity of time which doesn’t exist to make them. I beat myself up for everything once being easy, now being so hard. I am frustrated with the lack of depth and knowledge I can retrieve compared to what I previously contained, it’s tucked away, hidden. I think the key of this new, vastly different existence is to put one foot forward and walk new paths along the rope, despite the fears and worries, guilt, shame, and doubt of falling or sinking below. I am feeling nudged to walk freely instead of sinking myself deeper into the quicksand or retracing the same steps and dragging my feet instead of making the difficult decision to move forward with my new life and letting the past go. I believe I will be able to do it and so it is so. I know I am in control of my actions and it is my will to live and create a life I love. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard or scary sometimes, but both can exist.
Maybe it could even be fun?
SOLACE: If I'm not loving my life, I can change it and take solace in the fact that I am capable of making change and decisions, or adapting, a freedom that many do not have. I take gratitude in my freedom and abilities and only wish to magnify those and bring them to life on a scale as large as anything else. I think too that finding gratitude in all the good is the key to happiness. The other key is to stop trying so hard to be happy and to find freedom to exist instead of waiting for permission. Who cares? Everyone is wrapped up in their own existence and you’re wasting it on what they think about you? Why spend life burdening yourself? Stop wasting your time, stop complaining and stop making endless excuses. What are you waiting for?
You are capable, you are ready.
Do the damn thing.
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