Thinking about philosophy, life, death, suffering, and all the in betweens is something I’ve always done. Especially now that I’ve created life in another being, and now that I watched the show and Aiden is sick of course my mind got carried away to sad and strange places. Imagining your child dying is possibly the scariest thing of all time and so I understand in some aspects how my parents may have felt learning of our diagnosis. Although Aiden merely has a virus, hearing him struggle to breathe is something I couldn’t wish upon anyone as it is frightening, yet also strangely hopeful because sometimes the silence now becomes the scary part; At least I know when he makes those awful sounds he’s still breathing. I guess I’ve been finally settling into my role as a mom and relaxing when he sleeps without utilizing the baby monitor because I trusted he’d be fine, when now I cling to every sound again like when he was a newborn. Carefully measuring his breaths and every aspect... how many, how fast, how loud, what sounds he’s making. I guess analyzing all of that is something that I really didn’t miss but my careful and perhaps paranoid self is fully wrapped up in his safety and ensuring that he knows we are there for him.
As he lies down sick and helpless I feel helpless too, but also empowered to be his mommy and confident in my abilities to try to nurture him. I am reminded of all the cute little moments and the things he says as well as my actions that I maybe haven’t been so proud of as his mother. It’s a hard balance to want to be your kid’s best friend but having to teach them principles and morals and enforcing your own rules (I probably have too many). I want him to enjoy every moment of his life yet I’m torn wanting to ensure his safety in controlling every aspect I can (I know that’s not possible).
Our latest “thing” was that I would tell Aiden I had a secret to tell him and I would whisper in his ear “I love you”. The first few times he didn’t seem to care but one day he muttered it back to me in a little whisper. Then he would say it during random occasions but he wouldn’t say I love you, he would say “Aiden loves you”, “Daddy loves you” - that was when it was just our little “secret”. Word caught on and he’d whisper I love you back to us, all of us, for several nights.
Now it is no longer our thing. Although, we do have a few unique little things left. I call him Doctor Aiden as he helps prepare my medicine. He’s only 2 and one of his favourite things is to rush in and “help you”. His little voice squeaks “Mommy help you. Aiden help”, and although sometimes his idea of “helping” isn’t quite so helpful my heart swells now realizing how sweet our boy is.
Just yesterday night he was lying down sick and miserable, trying his best to fall asleep but shifting every few seconds, restless and uncomfortable. I was doing a breathing treatment across the room and while he was just about asleep my treatment was done and I shut my nebulizer off. He immediately perked up from his finally comfortable position and said “mommy vest”. Listening to his harsh breaths and noticing his discomfort he was more interested in making sure I finished my routine rather than taking care of himself. I’m raising a good boy.
I know as a parent I always just hope that someday our kid will grow to be a man who respects others with an open mind and knowledge over what’s right and wrong with the ability to make good decisions. It’s scary to think of him ever making mistakes or getting his heart broken, feeling alone, or truly sad. I wrestle with these thoughts often and hate it but I take so much comfort in our joy in these tiny moments. Holding his hand all the way to the ER and calmly talking to him about the moon and the stars, letting him cling to me without fear of me getting sick but feeling blessed to be able to comfort him, hearing his little pleases and thank yous. Sharing a soggy goldfish cracker with a germ filled toddler.
There are so many things that use to scare me and still do, but my love for him is so big. Even though it’s scary and hard and at times impossible. I understand that which is built must be broken but there’s so much beauty in building and even though it’s difficult, there can still be beauty in the breakdown.
Feeling: Fascinated 😮
Goodnight,
Sara ♥
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